One of the most common ways people arrive in therapy is by being “sent” there. A partner says, “You need help,” or “You need to sort yourself out.” Sometimes the implication is clear: you are the problem in this relationship.

It is understandable that, when relationships become painful, we look for a cause. But the idea that one person simply needs to be “fixed” is often far too simplistic — and sometimes deeply unhelpful. Relationships are not mechanical systems with a single faulty part. They are emotional and psychological arrangements between human beings, each bringing their own histories, sensitivities, fears, longings, defences and unconscious expectations.

Living closely with another person has a remarkable ability to stir up old emotional patterns. One partner may fear abandonment; the other may feel trapped by demands for closeness. One withdraws when criticised; the other pursues harder when they feel unheard. Over time, couples can become locked into repetitive cycles where each person unintentionally reinforces the other’s distress.

In this sense, relationship difficulties are rarely about one “bad” person and one “healthy” person. More often, both people are participating in a dynamic that neither fully understands.

That said, there is an important distinction to make. If you are in a coercive, controlling or abusive relationship, the priority is not simply “working on communication.” Abuse is not a shared relational dance for which both parties carry equal responsibility. In those situations, seeking appropriate specialist support to help you become safe and disentangle yourself from the relationship may be essential.

Generally speaking, though, I find that couples who come to counselling together often make the greatest progress. Therapy can become a space where blame softens into curiosity, where old assumptions are questioned, and where people begin to speak more honestly about what they feel and need. Relationships do not become satisfying because one person changes while the other watches from the sidelines. They become more alive when both people are willing to reflect, listen, and risk being more emotionally real with one another.

If you are interested in reading more about relationships, I often recommend the work of The School of Life, particularly their books on emotional maturity and relational patterns, as well as the work of Esther Perel, whose books explore intimacy, desire and the complexities of modern couple relationships.